“All the lonely people, where do they all come from?”- Paul McCartney
Even though Paul McCartney posed this question in 1966, it is still topical today. In 2023, the U.S. Surgeon General released a report titled “Our Epidemic of Loneliness and Isolation,” detailing how dealing with loneliness can harm one’s mental, physical, social, and emotional health.
After the COVID-19 pandemic and the common experience of being disconnected from others, loneliness has become a hot topic many are trying to understand better.
What is loneliness?
Loneliness is the cognitive consciousness of weakness in social and personal relationships that results in isolation and feelings of
- sadness
- emptiness
- disappointment
- regret
Loneliness can come from experiences like losing a close relationship, entering a new school or work environment, or immigrating/moving to a different place.
Lonely people often have less social competence and a more passive and shy temperament. As a result, they are less often selected as friends, perpetuating social isolation and consequent feelings of loneliness.
Because of the emotional turmoil that goes alongside it, there is a correlation between loneliness and psychological problems like
- alcoholism
- suicide
- depression
- anxiety
- addiction
- low self-esteem
- negative attribution
- delinquency
Loneliness is also impacted by gender, as there is a difference between men and women in their sociability and ability to maintain deep social connections. As author Ruth Whippman describes it, “the conditions of modern manhood create the perfect storm for loneliness.” Social stigmas around male expression of emotion, concepts of toxic masculinity, and lack of education around emotional intelligence and vulnerability for men and boys has led to loneliness being more common for them.
Are there different types of loneliness?
Loneliness has two forms, emotional and social, and has different levels of severity, conditions, and causes. Someone’s experience of loneliness is often influenced by its longevity, access to social resources, and if there are other internal or external issues also negatively affecting the individual.
- Social loneliness occurs when there is a lack of a social network in which one is part of a group that shares common interests, motivations, values, or activities; they are physically alone and isolated from other people.
- Emotional loneliness stems from a lack of close emotional attachments with others. As such, someone can be surrounded by people but still struggle with emotional loneliness.
The distinction between emotional and social loneliness implies that loneliness manifests differently depending on the circumstances under which the individual’s needs are unsatisfied.
Loneliness and attachment
There is a strong correlation between loneliness and attachment issues, as both develop due to unmet emotional needs; the stunting of social and emotional skills that stem from insecure attachment may be a significant cause of why some people struggle with loneliness. Attachment is the lasting emotional bond between two people; attachment to one’s primary caregiver, which develops in infancy, is one of the most important developmental processes.
Attachment theory emphasizes that early childhood relationships form attachment styles and influence one’s views about themselves, others, and relationships. These attachment styles are patterns of thinking, feeling, and behavior that inform how one interacts with one’s primary caregiver and future personal and social relationships into adulthood.
Secure attachment style
People with a secure attachment style are comfortable in relationships, are appropriately dependent on others, have a positive image of themselves, and have positive expectations from others. This stems from the fact that in early childhood, they formed a secure attachment with their primary caregiver; trust, comfort, and consistency in that relationship allowed them to develop healthy attachment skills. Although those with secure attachment styles usually thrive in their relationships, they also do not fear being on their own, making them less vulnerable to feelings of loneliness.
Anxious attachment style
People with an anxious attachment style lack confidence and worry that others do not like them. This stems from the fact that in childhood, their primary caregiver was inconsistent in some way, which caused them to remain anxious and preoccupied with them in an attempt to prevent abandonment. For someone with an anxious attachment style, the thought of being alone in general causes high levels of anxiety. They crave security within relationships, and responsiveness from a partner tends to be the “remedy” for their anxiety, checking constantly for signs of love, validation, and availability.
On the other hand, the perceived absence of support can make the individual more clingy and demanding, preoccupied with the relationship, and desperate for reassurance. When the partner is not able to meet those emotional needs – due to being unaware of them or feeling pressured or suffocated by them—the anxious individual ends up feeling lonely and deprived on an emotional level.
Those with anxious attachment value their relationships highly but are anxious and worried that the other is not as invested in the relationship as they are, which can end up doing significant harm to the relationship itself or even destroying it.
Avoidant attachment style
People with the avoidant attachment style are more emotionally distant; they find it difficult to rely on others and dislike when others become too intimate. Consequently, they prefer independence and self-sufficiency, especially on an emotional level. This stems from the fact that in early childhood, they had a caregiver who was strict and distant, did not tolerate emotion, expected independence, or was simply neglectful. They are less likely to seek relationships and are more prone to having smaller social circles.
Because avoidant attachers feel threatened by emotional intimacy, they may use defense mechanisms like exaggerating their positive qualities or being extremely defensive when others bring up their flaws. Avoidant attachers may also look down on others and be critical; such behaviors make it difficult for them to maintain long-term relationships, and, in some cases, they might even subconsciously sabotage the relationship. Some people possess the traits of both the anxious and avoidant attachment styles; this is a disorganized attachment style. They often oscillate between them and, as such, tend to show confusing or ambiguous behaviors in relationships.
For those with disorganized attachment, the other person is a source of both reassurance and fear. They yearn for intimacy but also experience trouble trusting and depending on others. They struggle to identify and regulate their emotions, and this, along with an inconsistency in behavior, often results in loneliness and social isolation.
Why attachment is complicated
Not only can insecure attachment styles result in difficulty connecting with others, but in some cases, it can drive someone to seek companionship in something that is not even alive.
In one of the most famous attachment theory experiments, psychologist Harry Harlow separated baby monkeys from their mothers—creating an insecure attachment—and put them in a room with two robots: One made of metal that dispensed milk and one covered in cloth that did not. Even though the other robot was the one that provided the essential nutrients to the babies, they consistently became attached to the cloth robot, which provided comfort. This experiment proved that when there are attachment issues, even something inanimate can become a source of attachment.
In humans, this phenomenon can be seen in relationships to technological devices and especially artificial intelligence. As technology has advanced and the capabilities of AI to mimic human language and behavior have increased, we are beginning to see how people with insecure attachment styles may be using it as a coping mechanism to alleviate some of their loneliness.
In Japan, in November 2018, Akihiko Kondo married an AI hologram of an anime character he had fallen in love with, Miku. Although the marriage to Miku was not legally sanctioned, Mr. Kondo was fully committed to his relationship. Neil McArthur, director of the Center for Professional and Applied Ethics at the University of Manitoba, recently explained that people like Mr. Kondo are “second wave digisexuals, people who see technology as integral to their sexual identity.” He adds that “it’s actually the next step in what is already happening,” but has concerns about the impact it has on collective social life. In situations where one’s attachment issues have made it difficult to form relationships, technology, and AI have become a way for people to find that connection without the complexities involved with human relationships to combat their deep sense of loneliness.
What can be done about loneliness?
Though one’s attachment style is formed early in childhood, it is not impossible to work on changing how you connect with others. There are many options for treatment to help you recognize the role it plays in your relationships and how to adapt behavior. In attachment-focused psychotherapy, a person meets with a therapist specializing in attachment issues to consider how their attachment style may be contributing to dysfunctional behaviors.
They may work together to uncover the root of this by exploring early childhood experiences that caused the insecure attachment and processing the following emotions. Then, they may begin working on other relationships by learning strategies to modify their innate behavior. This may involve the clients “reparenting” themselves, letting go of what was learned from the attachment issue, and re-learning how to connect properly.
Another option is couples or family therapy, which directly involves those in relationships with the client. Since attachment issues and subsequent behavior impact the partner/family member, including them in the therapy process can help the individual see the effects of their attachment issues on others. It allows both parties to voice their thoughts in a safe environment, resulting in more communication and opportunity to make effective change.
It may also be helpful with children who are at risk of absorbing a parent’s insecure attachment style, as unresolved attachment issues are often passed down due to how they manifest in parenting style.
Ultimately, the best way to work towards becoming less lonely is to consciously create and reestablish relationships based on healthy attachment behaviors and communicate with the other person to ensure a stable, happy relationship.
At Westport Family Counseling, we believe in creating clarity through connection. We are here when you need us.